Subject: Self-Introduction to Professor Blackstone
Dear Professor Blackstone,
My name is Victor, from effective communication tutorial class 3 and I am writing this letter to talk a little more about myself. I am studying mechanical engineering at Singapore Institute of Technology as a year 1 student. I studied for a diploma in Aerospace Electronics at Ngee Ann Polytechnic and went on to graduate in 2019. After completing my diploma, I went on to serve the nation as a combat engineer as a survey commander for 2 years before returning to school to carry on with my studies. Despite my absence from school and having a lot to catch up on compared to my peers who do not have to serve national service, the experiences are great. My interest in engineering developed when I was a young boy who loved airplanes. Having an internship at an aerospace company, I am fascinated by how engineering can improve lives. I really enjoyed each and every day of work and was determined to carry on learning engineering from then on.
Hobbies such as sports, food hunting, and spending time with my friends keep me engaged during my free time and definitely helped me with the development of my confidence and communication skill. For example, playing the position of point guard in a basketball team, I have the role of leading my team on the ground and giving clear instructions during games. The greatest challenge of playing that role comes from my teammates not listening to my instruction and doing their own thing on the court. When communication breaks down during a game, I have the responsibility to slow the pace down and regroup my team before carrying on with the game.
A weakness to my communication and confidence is stage fright as well as lack of relevant content as my English is not fluent. By the end of this module, I would definitely love to brush up on my presentation skills and conquer my stage fright, as well as improve the use of words and sentence structure to prepare myself for the working world.
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and hope you have a nice day.
Best regards,
Victor
Edited on 21/01/2022
Commented on:
Jin Han
Wei Hau
Benjamin
The tone in "experiences are great anyway" sounds informal to me. Your communication weakness about stage frights can be more specific and give some details.
ReplyDeleteThe portion about graduating with a diploma can be shortened and rephrased, "I studied for a diploma in Aerospace Electronics at Ngee Ann Polytechnic and went on to graduate in 2019. After completing my diploma, "
The introduction was good and letter is well structured. Thank you for the introduction letter for me to know more about you. Keep it up!
Hey Victor, I enjoyed reading your letter and I have some points to make. The spacing on the first paragraph is not the same as the rest of your letter. Your weakness of stage fright and lack of confidence could be further elaborated with some personal examples during your life. All in all, you have expressed yourself quite well in your introduction.
ReplyDeleteHi there Victor! Your introduction letter is really well represented especially your real life examples! Maybe you could elaborate on them more and how your skills learnt will be put into usage. Other than that you could finish your letter off with a summary to refresh what we readers have learnt about you. All the best on improving your introduction letter!
ReplyDeleteDear Victor,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this clear, concise and informative letter. You do a fine job covering the scope of the assignment as you detail your educational background and interest in engineering, connecting that career choice to your early fascination with airplanes.
You also succinctly review your comm skills. I especially can relate to your mention of being a point guard for your basketball team and the importance of directing on-court comm. If you wanted to give even more detail, you could make a statement on the value of teamwork and/or explain what you find to be the greatest challenge in that role. What happens, fr example, when communication breaks down in a game? (I'm also a basketball fanatic, played point guard on numerous teams and later coached basketball for the university I worked for in Japan. I'm glad to see we have a love for that in common. You're lucky I'm not younger or I'd ask you to meet me one-on-one on the court :) )
While this is mostly a fluent effort, there are a few areas of language use to consider as you review this letter:
1. sentence structure
-- Despite being away from school and having a lot to catch up on compared to those who do not have to serve national service, the experiences are great. > (main subject? Who was away from school and had a lot to catch up on?)
2. overuse of caps
-- I am studying Mechanical Engineering ... > ?
-- I went on to serve the nation as a Combat Engineer as a survey commander for 2 years .... > ?
3. verb issue
-- My interest in engineering developed when I was a young boy who loves airplanes. > (inconsistent verb tense) ?
I look forward to working with you further as the term progresses.
Cheers,
Brad
Thank you Prof for the feedback and pointers to look out for in my letter, I have edited my letter accordingly and hope to see you on court soon :) Cheers
Delete